Driving Miss Mouth

We meet in the parking lot
of Starbucks...
We meet because it is TPot's birthday.

I am going to give her some flowers
We are going to have coffee.

This is going to be a 15 minute visit

and then I am headed home to work.

However...Once there I find that
I am NOT on SweetCheeks list called
People I Love
this morning.

I iss mad at yoah, Nana..she says
without meeting my eyes.
Why are you mad at me? I prod.
Beechause you pwlayed a twrick on
me yesturday and yoah rhipped up
my unnderwares.
Now..before y'all go crazy on me here...
She had two little holes in the back of
her underwear. I stuck my two fingers
in them and pulled.

The whole butt of them ripped out...

I laughed & thought

she would laugh her butt off. (get it?)

Butt? Never mind...

She didn't!

She cried. She said....

Dos werhe my fahavorite underwares...and
now dey iss ripped.
Let me just say this in my own defense.
When I see MyHero walking by in a pair
of ratty old tighty-whities that are looking
a bit holey (not holy) and ugly...that's
what I do...I grab on the back of them
and rip them off.
He doesn't usually think it's funny either..
Geez....
Maybe I should do it INSIDE the house
next time and not on the patio...
man has NOOO sense of humor..

Anyway...I tell SweetCheeks that I will buy
her some new underwear to replace the
ones I rip. She brightens considerably.
When? She wants to know..
When?
Yeah, Nana! Today, right?
Yeah, yeah, right..Today!

First though...we have to give
Mama her flowers and Nana
has to get some coffee...Okay?
Okay! We are all smiles now!

I get my coffee and we get in the car and head to Target.

TPot snaps a picture of SweetCheeks in her car seat.

What are you doing? I ask her.

I isss cleening the whindow.

I wonder if it dirty..

Noah...I iss just using a whet whipe to clean

my spit off whearh I was drawing wiff my fingher.

TPot thinks that is hysterical. Me? Not so funny.

We arrive at Target and SweetCheeks agrees (for once)

to ride in the cart. That is always a good thing.

I know where she is and what she is doing

and her reach is limited.

Thank you, God, for

making the mind that invented seats in cartsUnfortunately, my joy is short lived.

One must get OUT of the cart

to inspect underwear! Of course.

This is a BIG decision.

A 10 minute decision.

A LIFE-altering decision.

One that can't be left to haphazard

chance. Finally...we have made a choice.

Now it is LUNCH time...and TPot's birthday.

SweetCheeks is outvoted and we go to Olive Garden.

She orders mac and cheese...she's a cheap date.

After we eat I drive and SweetCheeks talks..

and talks...and talks...and talks...

and sings...and sings...and talks..

and talks...

Nana did yoah know that you shuld wipe

rweally good in the baffhroom so yoah

doan slip on the flooarh and get yoah

pajamas wet?

Really? Reeallly!

Nana! Did yoah know yoah isss not supposed

to scratch yoah owies cuz yoah will bleed?

Really? Reeeally!

Doan you know eny of dis shtuff, Nana?

Nope! Hmmm..eyes roll around until I think

they will come out of her head.

I'hm prutty smart, huh, Nanneee?

Yep! I am rewarded with a big smile!

My daughter wants to look a new housing section

so we drive around looking for it.

Arhe you lost, Nana? Nope!

Yesss yoah AHRE! Yoah doan know where

you iss goin so yoah is lost...

and thiss isss NOT my own street.

Hers lost huh Mama?

Yep! She's lost, SweetCheeks! Mama

says smirking.

Seee..I telled yoah yoahr were losted!

Okay-just so y'all know that I am SMARTER

than she is...I don't argue with her..

I let her win. (this time)

By now it is time to pick up big sisters from

school. We arrive .

I open the moon roof and we sit in the parking

lot. SweetCheeks unbuckles herself and pops

her head out to wave and bestow good wishes

on everyone passing by. She tells me she

is Cinderellah and I am the Good Queen

(Hmmm...not sure how that happened..I

am usually the whicked witch) and

suddenly she says she is

a Rock Star!

Rock Star Cinderellah AKCSHUUALLY!She sees her sisters coming and grabs up the

two treats that she has saved for them.

They iss gonna be so 'cited, Nana...

Do yoah think dey will know I already ahte my own?

I don't know SweetCheeks.

Hey, Nana...take a picksure of my mouffh and

then I can see if they can tell!

Your "whish" is my command, Princess!

Look! Can they tell?

Noah...dey cahn't tell...iss our secret Nana...

And Nana? Yes, honey?

Doan tell dem I ghot new underwares..

Okay...

Yoah know why?

Because it will make them feel bad?

Noah! Cuzz I wanna tell them myshelff!

Of course you do!

And so, folks, that is how a 15 minute visit

turned into a whole day of

Driving Miss Mouth.